This post might be TMI for some of you, so if you're not comfortable talking about miscarriage/pregnancy, you can just skip this post. I had so many girls reach out to me after I shared Arie's birth story, & were happy I brought up my miscarriages. It hit home with a lot of people. Miscarriage is not something people like to talk about... it's normally a very hush hush subject. To me, it was therapeutic to share my losses... & I wanted my babies to be known. They are not a dirty secret to me... they are apart of me. This is going to be a long & emotional post, so bear with me.
Where to even begin...... I guess I will start from the beginning...when I found out I was pregnant with T W I N S.
SEPTEMBER 2014
Talk about the shock of a lifetime.... am I right, Matt? I am sure most of you know, Matt & I weren't together very long before we found out I was pregnant. But, I knew the minute I met Matt that I was going to marry him & we were going to have a family together one day. Joke was on us...Our "one day" came pretty darn quick! Although it wasn't necessarily how we planned, we were excited! I always wanted to be a mom. Ask any of my friends.... I couldn't wait! Then it happened...times TWO. Baby A & Baby B. TWO BABIES. Wow. That escalated quickly.
My pregnancy with the twins was pretty much flawless. Even their delivery was a dream. They were born healthy on May 12th, 2015 at 38 weeks...zero problems! We were home 2 days after. It was the most ideal pregnancy! They are my life.
DECEMBER 2015
Once the twins turned 6 months, Matt & I started talking about adding to our family. We obviously had no trouble conceiving the twins, so we thought this was going to be a piece of cake. We were very wrong.
We tried for almost 2 years....without any luck. Nothing. I chalked it up to God wanting me to wait for the right time. Really, I did. The twins were in the stage of life that was a bit rough, so I thought when it happens, it happens. That didn't make every month not disappointing, though. Two years of negative tests, after negative tests.
SEPTEMBER 2017
In mid September, I found out I was pregnant! The twins were 2, & I thought it was perfect timing! I was so sick the first trimester...I even was a little nervous that I was having twins again. At 9 weeks, we went to my first ultrasound. I got to see my little baby wiggling around on the screen & see the flicker of the heartbeat. I'm going to be a mama again. I was so happy!
At 10 weeks, I noticed my morning sickness subsiding. I was happy for that, but also a little worried because I wasn't quite done my 1st trimester. But, everything else was going great. Or so I thought..
NOVEMBER 2017
The morning of my 14 week ultrasound, I was on edge. I just felt super uneasy. Matt & I decided to bring the twins to this ultrasound so they could hear their baby brother or sisters heartbeat on the Doppler. I couldn't wait to see their reaction!!
We were called back & I lifted up my shirt to show my bare (growing) belly. They put on the gel & started to search for the heartbeat. They searched.....but found nothing. "Don't worry, it's probably just hiding in there!" My heart sunk.... The doctor suggested we go into the ultrasound room to see where baby was hiding. We started the ultrasound & they found baby right away. As soon as I saw it, I knew. There was so movement...it just, laid there...lifeless inside my belly. The baby only measured at 10 weeks...which means, just a few days after my 9 week ultrasound, its heart stopped beating. Because my body had not realized the baby passed (this is called a missed miscarriage), and I showed no signs of miscarriage, they suggested I get a D & C. That Monday, I went in to get the procedure done. I can't describe the feeling of waiting in the hospital room to get my baby physically taken away from me...there is no pain like that. I cherished those last few moments before I was put under...and I prayed (& cried) to God that my baby knew how much I loved them & one day we would meet. & one day we will.
The procedure only lasted about 15-20 minutes, so when I woke up from anesthesia, Matt was there waiting for me. This was just the very beginning of my healing process..physically & emotionally.
It was tough over the next few months. In an instant things can be taken from you without warning....big things.. things that change your life. So, I knew it was going to be rough, I just didn't know how rough. I would cry at the drop of a hat. Eventually though, my tears slowed from everyday, to every other.. & so forth. It got a little easier everyday, but it still didn't take the pain away. You are forever changed when you go through something like that. A change I really just can't put into words. It's something I wouldn't wish on a single soul.
JULY 2018
We got the OK to start trying again after about 3-4 cycles, so that's what we did. In mid July, I got pregnant again with our fourth baby. I thought to myself, "God will not put you through that type of heartache again! You should be excited!" The very next day we took the twins camping with our close friends Aubrey, Mark & their 3 kids. If you know me.....I do not camp. My entire plan for this trip was to have some adult beverages with Aubrey so I could survive.....HA! God does has a sense of humor...and I did survive the camping trip & we had a lot of fun!
AUGUST 2018
I was excited, but cautious the first few weeks. At 9 weeks, Matt & I went to our first ultrasound..I dreaded it. I didn't want to go. Deep down, I knew something was just not right. If you are a mom, you know what feeling I'm talking about.
My ultrasound showed a very tiny & lifeless baby. It showed that around 6 weeks, the heart stopped beating. There really is no way to tell why...it just "happens". I called my mom on the way home & I remember crying to her telling her that it happened again. I could hear how heartbroken she was for me. I came home & once again began the process of healing my already very broken heart.
A few days after my procedure, I started having really bad pains, and *WARNING TMI*, I stood up in the morning and I felt a rush of blood. I called the doctor and they had me come in for an ultrasound. I had a huge blood clot. They started me on medicine that was supposed to start contractions in hopes of making the clot pass on its own. I thought, so you mean to tell me I have to start having contractions, AT HOME, all to just pass a blood clot? UGH. I was dreading this.
Unfortunately, it didn't work. I went back to the doctor and there was no change what so ever. I was sent straight to the hospital to get yet another emergency D&C. I had to do this all over again? A THIRD time?! This is becoming too much, I thought. I am spent...
I cried the entire way to the hospital. I was panicking this time... why is this happening?! I got to the hospital & thought what if they can't stop the bleeding & I have to get a hysterectomy?? I was a MESS. My hormones were going through a crazy amount of changes... so my anxiety was pretty high & I just couldn't even think straight. I cried to my doctor about my fears & I remember telling them they didn't have my permission to do a full or partial hysterectomy(they didn't even ask)....they promised it wouldn't come down to that, but I had to make sure. The procedure went smoothly... in & out in 20 minutes. Just like the other times. But, during the procedure noticed there was a tiny piece of "fetal tissue" left inside me from the previous D&C, which was the reason for the clotting. I was happy to be heading home to my two boys & ready to put this whole year of pain behind me.
JANUARY 2019
In early January, I found out I was pregnant again. When you have back to back losses, it's hard to get excited. I feel like I was robbed of that initial moment of happiness and excitement when I saw the positive pregnancy test this time. I called my doctor right away & asked to do everything & anything possible to help me keep this baby.
I had labs drawn to make sure my numbers were doubling. Longest few days EVER. Then I got the news that they were doubling!!! I was so happy! My doctors started me on progesterone pills & also baby aspirin. I truly believe both helped me in keeping this pregnancy. I also can thank my good friend, Cara, for giving me tons of advice & being a constant support to me during this time, even as she was going through her own struggles!! I don't know if I would have made it without her...I am so grateful for her friendship!
I got my first ultrasound at 6 weeks to make sure my pregnancy was viable. Everything was how it should be...& I was told to come back at 9 weeks for my first "real" ultrasound. Matt actually was away for this appointment, so my mom & sister came with to support me. I got very lucky in the family department. I can always count on them (even my brother & SIL all the way out in Arizona)! Everything looked perfect on my ultrasound! Thank goodness. I actually ordered my own doppler online so I could listen to the heartbeat any time I wanted. It saved me from a lot of worry. I listened to it almost everyday. That little heart was so strong!
For those who are struggling to conceive, struggling to keep a baby, dealing with loss... I am here for you. And things WILL get better. You may not see it right now, but it will happen. I will pray for each & every one of you & I'm sending you all the biggest hugs. Please don't hesitate to reach out to me. I am open about my struggles for a reason & I would love to support you through yours.
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